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分手后我们还能做朋友吗? Should you stay friends with your ex?

CHINADAILY微信公众号 2019-10-20 09:00

Few relationship questions are as polarizing as whether or not you should stay friends with an ex. Anecdotal evidence feeds arguments on both sides — but what do the experts say?


Rachel Sussman, a New York City-based psychotherapist, advises caution when it comes to staying friends, but says there are couples for whom it works; ultimately, she says, it's "an individual determination". Nonetheless, Sussman says there are some guidelines all exes should follow after a breakup.

纽约心理治疗师雷切尔·萨斯曼建议,应谨慎对待与前任保持友谊这一问题, 不过,对于一些情侣或夫妇来说,与前任保持友谊不成问题。归根到底,这只是“个人选择”。不过,在处理与前任关系的问题上,萨斯曼给出了以下几点准则。


When to cut ties?

"Under no circumstances should a relationship that was abusive, manipulative or toxic transition into a friendship",Sussman says.


Sussman also says there are potential downsides to staying friends with an ex. "Sometimes that will hold you back from going into a new relationship," she warns. "Or you'll get into a new relationship and you'll tell your new girlfriend or boyfriend, 'My ex is one of my closest friends.' That's complicated. Are you giving the new relationship a fair chance to really flourish or blossom?"

萨斯曼认为与前任保持友谊很可能有负面影响。“这有时会阻碍你进入下一段恋情”,“或者当你有了新恋情时,你告诉现任‘我的前任是我最亲密的朋友之一’这很复杂。你是否真正给予这段新恋情一个公平的机会,让它开花结果。” 萨斯曼告诫道。

When to stay friends?

Sussman says exes who have kids together should try to remain on good terms if possible, since they'll be in each other's lives for the long run. The lines are murkier for couples without children, but Sussman says those who dated when they were young, were friends first, dated casually or were together only for a short time are good candidates for friendship.


Studies suggest that couples who remain in contact for the same reasons — whether those are pragmatic or sentimental — are more likely to have successful friendships, while staying in touch because of unresolved romantic desires is a predictor of negative outcomes.


But how?

If you decide to try a friendship with an ex, Sussman suggests taking a break first. "I'm quite suspect of those couples that break up and then tell me right away that they're best friends," she says. "Time heals. A lot of insight can come with time and space apart."

如果你决定和前任保持友谊,萨斯曼建议先给自己点时间。“有些情侣或夫妇刚分手不久,就马上告诉我,他们已经变成了最好的朋友,我对此深表质疑。” 萨斯曼说。“时间是良药。随着时间和空间的推移,人们才能逐渐拨云见日。”

That goes for social media as well as in-person interactions. "I would love for couples to unfollow and unfriend each other for a few months after a breakup," Sussman says. Otherwise, "before you know it, you're checking your phone and you're seeing your ex, and that brings up all sorts of thoughts and feelings which might make you, on some emotional level, feel reconnected to that person."

这同样适用于社交媒体和当面交流。“希望双方在分手后的几个月内,都不要关注对方或者与对方保持联系。” 萨斯曼说。“否则,你可能会无意识地浏览她(他)的朋友圈,关注前任的讯息,从而唤起你的思绪与情感,让你感到与前任又建立了联系。”

Boundaries are also important for couples-turned-friends, Sussman says, "A healthy boundary could look like, 'Let's not talk every day. Let's not text every day,'" Sussman says. "'Every couple of months let's grab a meal, see a movie — but not regular, daily contact.'"

对于由情侣变朋友的人们来说,把握边界感非常重要。“一个合理的边界应该是,不要每天聊天,不要每天发短信,”萨斯曼说。“可以每隔几个月吃顿饭,看个电影 ,而不要天天接触。”

Above all, regularly reassess how the friendship makes you feel, and be honest with yourself.



Source: Time

Editor: Jiao Jie

Interns: Fu Kuncan, Su Yanlei