只是将信件写得简洁明了还是不够的，语言也是一个重要的因素：你的用语要够“现代”，才能更好地沟通。

Being Clear and Concise: Is It Enough? 

The letter below is clear and concise. But there still is a problem. Do you know what it is?

Using Modern English: Why Do It 

The letter still contains some "old-fashioned business English".

Look at the last paragraph of the letter.

"Thank you for your kind attention."

Does this sentence look familiar? Have you ever read - or written - this sentence at the end of a letter? Have you ever thought what this sentence means?

This remark only tells the reader two things:

l         that they need to read the letter "kindly" (how does the reader do that?)

l         that they need to read the letter "attentively" (again, how does the reader do that?).

It seems that the writer only wants the reader to read the letter...and not do anything else.

This sentence is an example of old-fashioned business English. There are many other examples, but, we shouldn't use any of them!

In all of your business writing, you should use plain and modern English. Your readers will like it. You'll also show that you represent a modern company.

Using Modern English: How To Do It  

Study the table below. Avoid the old-fashioned expressions. Use only the modern words and phrases.

In his letter to Fiona Green, Clever Man included some old-fashioned business English.

In his second paragraph (where he stated his purpose for writing), he wrote

I would like to advise you of the details.

If you revised that sentence to make it more modern, you could write

I would like to tell you the details.

In his last paragraph (the concluding remark), Clever Man wrote

Thank you for your kind attention.

If you revised that remark to make it more modern, you could write

I look forward to hearing from you.

Both of these revisions show good customer service. Both revisions also sound natural, don't they? They sound as if you're speaking with the customer face-to-face.

This is the final revision of the letter. Compare it with the original letter on the right, and remind yourself of the revision strategies that you've learned so far.

（来源：中国物流论坛 实习生江巍 英语点津 Annabel 编辑）