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婚前必问的12个问题 技术性排除潜在婚姻问题 Twelve questions to ask before getting married

中国日报网 2019-02-06 09:00

回家过年,单身的同学们是不是又被催婚了呢?说到婚姻,无知必会带来伤害。情感专家称,出于害羞、希望保留浪漫神秘感等心理,许多情侣婚前往往不会互相询问某些有助于建立稳固婚姻基础但却难以回答的问题。但有些问题不解决却会产生问题,所以无论是有对象计划步入婚姻殿堂、还是仍在相亲,可能碰到意中人的朋友们,都建议和未来的另一半探讨一下这婚前必问的12个问题,以增进了解。

 

1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?
出现分歧时,你的家人会怎么做呢?是扔盘子,还是平静地探讨问题,亦或对问题闭口不谈?

A relationship's success is based on how differences are dealt with, said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute. As we are all shaped by our family's dynamic, he said, this question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflict resolution patterns of his or her parents or avoid them.
"情侣研究所"创始人之一皮特·皮尔森称,一段关系的成败取决于人们如何处理分歧。由于我们所有人都会受到自己家庭的影响,这个问题将让你能够了解另一半是会效仿还是规避ta父母化解冲突的方式。

 

2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?
我们要孩子吗?如果要的话,你会换尿布吗?

 

With the question of children, it is important to not just say what you think your partner wants to hear, according to Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship coach. Before marrying, couples should honestly discuss if they want children. How many do they want? At what point do they want to have them? And how do they imagine their roles as parents? Talking about birth-control methods before planning a pregnancy is also important, said Marty Klein, a sex and marriage therapist.
离婚和与情感顾问黛比·马丁内斯称,在孩子的问题上,不要只说另一半爱听的话,这点很重要。婚前,伴侣应在是否想要孩子的问题上开诚布公地谈一谈。你俩想要几个孩子?何时想生?想象自己会如何扮演父母的角色?性爱与婚姻治疗师马蒂·克莱因表示,计划怀孕前探讨避孕方法也十分重要。

 

3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
与前任的经验对彼此有益,还是会成为障碍?

Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. This can be because of a person having more experience with serious breakups and potentially comparing a current partner unfavorably with past ones. Raising these issues early on can help, Dr Wilcox said. Dr Klein said people are "hesitant to explicitly talk about their past" and can feel retroactively jealous or judgmental. "The only real way to have those conversations in an intimate and productive way and loving way is to agree to accept that the other person had a life before the couple," he said.
弗吉尼亚大学全美婚姻项目负责人布拉德福德·威尔科特斯指出,有过太多严肃的两性关系会带来离婚、婚姻质量降低的风险。这可能是因为有过较多惨痛分手经历的人可能会将现任伴侣与前任进行不利比较。威尔科特斯博士表示,早些把问题摆在台面上会有所帮助。人们不愿直截了当地谈论过去,还会对过去的事产生嫉妒或苛责的情绪。接受另一半在走入这段关系前是有"历史"的才是真正能以亲密、富有成效且友爱的方式探讨这些问题的唯一途径。

 

4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
宗教信仰有多么重要?如果有信仰的话,我们将如何庆祝宗教节日?

If two people come from different religious backgrounds, is each going to pursue his or her own religious affiliation? Dr Scuka has worked with couples on encouraging honest discussion around this issue as the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. What is more, spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix, according to Dr Wilcox. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how the children's religious education will be handled. It is better to have a plan, he said.
如果两人的宗教信仰不同,是否要继续追求各自的宗教信仰?斯库卡博士是全美关系增进研究所首席执行官,他为一些情侣提供咨询时鼓励他们坦率地讨论宗教信仰问题。此外,他表示,涉及到孩子的时候,双方尤其可能因宗教传统问题产生冲突。若两人决定要孩子,则须探讨如何处理孩子的宗教教育问题,最好能制定一个计划。

 

5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
我的债务你是否会共同承担?你愿意帮我还债吗?

 

It's important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce lawyer. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your income and your partner's, Dr Scuka recommended creating a basic budget according to proportional incomes. Many couples fail to discuss sharing finances, though it is crucial, he said.
离婚律师弗雷德里克·赫兹称,了解伴侣如何看待财务独立,以及ta是否希望分账是非常重要的。公开债务也很重要。若你和伴侣的收入差异很大,斯库卡博士会建议你们根据收入比例设立基本预算。他表示,尽管分摊财务的问题十分重要,许多夫妇却未曾就该问题进行过讨论。

 

6. What's the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
你最愿意把钱花在什么方面,汽车、沙发还是鞋子?

Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Hertz. Couples can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money on, he said.
双方应确保在财务谨慎或冒进程度上的一致性。赫兹表示,买车就是一个很好的参考指标。情侣还可以根据他们会在什么物品上胡乱花钱设置问题。

 

7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?
你能否接受我不带你去做某些事吗?

Going into marriage, many people hope to keep their autonomy in certain areas of their life at the same time they are building a partnership with their spouse, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). This means they may be unwilling to share hobbies or friends, and this can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if it isn't discussed. Couples may also have different expectations as to what "privacy" means, added Dr Klein, and that should be discussed, too. Dr Wilcox suggested asking your partner when he or she most needs to be alone.
"亲密关系技能实际应用"总裁塞斯·艾森伯格表示,步入婚姻时,许多人都希望在与伴侣建立伙伴关系的同时,也能在生活中的某些领域保持自己的独立。这意味着他们也许不愿与对方分享自己的业余爱好或朋友,若未就此进行探讨,则会导致对方产生被排斥的感觉,而使两人关系紧张。克莱恩博士表示,双方对"隐私"所指内容的期望值也可能不尽相同,因此也应加以讨论。威尔科特斯博士建议,问问你的伴侣什么时候最需要独处。

 

8.Do we like each other's parents?
我们喜欢彼此的父母吗?

As long as you and your partner present a united front, having a bad relationship with your in-laws can be manageable, Dr Scuka said. But if a spouse is not willing to address the issue with his or her parents, it can bode very poorly for the long-term health of the relationship, he said. At the same time, Dr Pearson said, considering the strengths and weaknesses of your parents can illuminate future patterns of attachment or distancing in your own relationship.
斯库卡博士说,只要你与另一半立场统一,就能hold得住与公婆/丈人丈母娘关系不好的问题。但如果一方不愿解决他/她父母的相关问题,那么这段关系能长期健康地发展的可能性会相当渺茫。同时,皮尔森博士称,分析你父母的优缺点,对了解二人未来夫妻关系中的依恋或疏远模式,会有所启发。

 

9. How far should we take flirting with other people?
与他人调情的程度

Dr Klein said couples should discuss their attitudes about flirting and expectations for sexual exclusivity. A couple's agreement on behavior in this area can, and most likely will, change down the line, he said, but it is good to set the tone early on so both partners are comfortable discussing it. Ideally, sexual exclusivity should be talked about in the same way as other day-to-day concerns, so that problems can be dealt with before a partner becomes angry, he said.
克莱恩博士称,情侣应当探讨他们对于调情以及对排他的性关系的看法。他表示,两人就此达成的一致很可能还会在今后有所变化,但早些定调是件好事,这样双方就可以自然地讨论这类问题。理想状态下,两人应像谈论日常生活中彼此关心的其他事一样,谈论排他的性关系,这样就能在一方生气前处理这些问题。

 

10. Do you know all the ways I say "I love you"?
你知道所有我在说"我爱你"的方式吗?

 

Gary Chapman's 1992 book, "The 5 Love Languages," introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. Ms Martinez hands her premarriage clients a list of the five love languages: affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. She asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and what they think is their partner's, and discuss them. Mr Eisenberg said that a couple needs to work out how to nurture the relationship, in a way specific to them.
加里·查普曼1992年出版的书籍《五种爱情语言》引入了区分爱情表达方式以巩固婚姻关系的方法。马丁内斯女士向其即将步入婚姻殿堂的客户给出了这五种爱情语言:肯定、愉悦时光、接受礼物、为对方服务和身体接触。她请这些客户标出他们最喜欢和其次喜爱的语言,以及他们认为伴侣最常使用的爱情语言,并就此进行讨论。艾森伯格先生称,情侣需要弄清如何以他们特有的方式增进彼此的关系。

 

11. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
我身上哪些东西你比较欣赏,哪些让你无法忍受?

Can you imagine the challenges ever outweighing the admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, a leader of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said that couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a life commitment, she said, and it's not enough to just "click together," as many couples describe their relationship. A marriage must go deeper than that original "click."
你能想到有些挑战会磨灭爱慕之情吗?如果是的话,你会怎么做?纽约道德文化学会的负责人安妮·克雷森称,情侣很少考虑第二个问题。她表示,理想情况下,婚姻是一生的承诺,许多情侣描述他们的关系时会提到"一见钟情",但仅有这种情感是不够的。婚姻必须比"钟情"要更加深沉。

 

12. How do you see us 10 years from now?
十年后我们会是什么样子?

Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help a couple deal with current conflict as they work toward their ultimate relationship goals, according to Mr Eisenberg. Dr Wilcox said this discussion could also be an opportunity to raise the question of whether each partner will consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or whether they expect marriage to be for life, come what may.
艾森伯格先生称,将这个问题的答案牢记在心会有助于情侣解决当前的冲突,因为他们会向着婚姻关系的终极目标而努力。威尔科特斯博士表示,探讨该问题也提供了一个机会,让你能了解在关系恶化时,伴侣是会考虑离婚,还是认为无论发生什么,婚姻都是一辈子的事。

 

英文来源:纽约时报
编译:丁一

 

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