分手后老想着复合怎么办？先想清楚这9个问题

很多人分手了会后悔当初的决定，纠结要不要复合。有人说，吃回头草绝对是一个糟糕的想法。但也存在这种可能性：分手只是一时冲动，重修旧好反而是件正确的事。那么我们究竟该不该和前任复合呢？关键在于，你必须想清楚为什么和对方复合，以及这些理由是否有足够的说服力。在下定决心之前，你应该仔细思考这些问题。

1. Are You Just Lonely?
你是否只是太孤独了？

This is the most important question. If you're feeling lonely or bored or listless, that is not the right reason to get back together. Take up knitting or something, it doesn't matter. Just don't get back together if this is your reason.
这是最关键的一点。如果你只是感到“空虚寂寞冷”，那么这不是复合的恰当原因。做点编织或者无论什么其他事情，消磨下时间。如果这真的是你的理由，那最好还是算了。

2. Why Did You Break Up And Is It Still A Problem?
你还没明白为何分手？

You need to be really honest about all the reasons you broke up and whether they're things that have actually been fixed.
你必须坦诚地面对分手的原因，想明白那些导致分手的问题是否已经得到解决。

"According to the well-known couples researcher Dr. John Gottman, 69 percent of relationship conflict is about perpetual problems - and ALL couples have them," Pella Weisman, Dating Coach and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, tells Bustle. "It's inevitable that there are ongoing issues in any relationship, and this is OK, as long as they are things you can live with. If the issues are problematic, be honest with yourself about this. Even better, get an outside perspective from someone you trust." It may be that the issues are just too big to make it work.
情感专家兼婚姻家庭认证治疗师佩拉•威斯曼告诉Bustle网站：“根据著名研究员约翰•格特曼关于情侣关系的研究，69%的感情矛盾会一直存在——并且所有的情侣都会有。在任何关系中，矛盾都是不可避免的，这没什么，只要你能接受。但是如果矛盾太深，你必须正视它。能够听取一个值得信任的局外人的看法就更好了。”或许，矛盾本身就很严重以至于你们根本解决不了。

3. How Long Have You Given Yourself?
你给自己多久的时间？

You should always give yourself some breathing room. If you just broke up two days ago — or, if it was a long relationship, even two weeks or months ago — your mind hasn't settled yet. Getting back together is a big decision, so make sure you're in the right headspace.
你应该给自己一些喘息的时间。如果你两天前才分手，又或者刚从一段很长久的恋情走出来两个星期，或者两个月，你的心还没有安定下来。复合是一项重大的决定，所以一定要确保给自己留足了空间。

4. Are They Promising To Change?
对方承诺要有所改变了吗？

“The only reason you should ever get back together with an ex is because you’re willing to accept them exactly as they are,” sex and relationship expert Ravid Yosef tells Bustle. “Acceptance, no matter the circumstances, is the only way that you can make it when that thing that was wrong in the first place creeps up again.” If they're promising to change, you can't fall for it. You need to be sure you love them just as they are.
两性情感专家拉维德•约瑟夫告诉Bustle：“你与前任复合的唯一理由，应当是你能接受对方真实的模样。无论什么情况，包容是在你们之间的老问题又重新出现时，你唯一能做的事。”如果前任承诺改变，你不能轻易相信。你要确保自己爱的就是对方本来的样子。

5. Are You Good Communicators?
你善于沟通吗？

Communication is a must if you're going to get your relationship back on track. "Many couples have problems communicating about conflict, especially if each partner has a different communication style," Weisman says. If you can't find a way to reach each other, reconciliation is going to be near-impossible.
如果你想让你们的关系回到正轨，沟通是必须的。威斯曼称：“许多情侣无法就矛盾进行沟通，尤其当双方的交流方式不同时。”如果你找不到一个互相了解的方法，和解几乎是不可能的。

6. Is This Just Because They're In Your Orbit?
或许你想复合只是因为他经常出现在你身边？

If you're on the same course or in the same office or have friends in common, it may just be that you're seeing too much of them and it's making you think you should be back together. “Staying too close with them and spending too much time with them does not allow you to move on from them, or to meet new people,” psychologist and love expert Dr. Nikki Martinez tells Bustle. Make sure you give yourself a healthy distance.
如果你们同修一门课、在同一个办公室工作或有共同的朋友，可能你只是因为太经常看到对方，才萌生了复合的想法。心理学家兼爱情专家尼基•马丁内斯博士告诉Bustle：“和对方接触太亲密，以及花过多时间在他们身上，会让你无法放下过去，认识新的人。”要确保你们保持恰当的距离。

7. Do You Want To Put The Time In?
你真的愿意为这段关系投入时间吗？

Getting back together and making a relationship work takes a lot of investment. You need to be prepared to put in the time and energy — and feel sure that your ex will do the same.
想要重修旧好需要投入很多精力。你必须准备好投入时间、心思，并确信你的另一半也会如此。

8. Are You Just Horny?
你只是太饥渴吗？

Are you? No judgement, but it's probably not a good enough reason to get back into a relationship that wasn't working the first time.
是这样吗？无意冒犯，但因此恢复一段原本不合适的恋情，可能不是一个好理由。

9. Are You Scared To Be Single?
你是害怕单身吗？

Too many people run back to the last person they were with because they're scared of being single — even though it can be a life-changing experience. "It can actually be a time to learn more about oneself and experience the greatest self-growth,” psychotherapist Mary Beth Somich tells Bustle. “Feeling lonely as a result of being single can actually inspire individuals to have new experiences that they would not have put themselves out there for otherwise."
太多的人是因为害怕单身才回到前任身边，尽管这项决定可能会影响他们的一生。心理学家玛丽•贝思•索密克告诉Bustle：“单身实际上是一个了解自我与自我成长的绝佳机会。 当人们因单身而感到孤独时，实际上会促使他们去体验恋爱时不会尝试的新鲜经历。”

Getting back together may feel like a good idea, and sometimes it is. Sometimes. Make sure you're taking a long, hard look at your past relationship and your reasons for wanting to get back together before you jump into anything.
有时与前任复合可能是个好主意，但也只是有时罢了。在急于复合之前，你必须要确保对曾经的感情和复合的理由深思熟虑过。

英文来源：Bustle
编译：董静
审校：yaning