看手相弱爆了：会摸臀算命的秘鲁女士

She runs her hand slowly down my right butt cheek, probing for crevasses with her powerful fingers.
她的手缓慢滑过我（记者）的右侧臀部，强有力的手指探寻着皮肤罅隙。

“I see a new job opportunity coming up for you in December,” Bibian Arango says, as she looks carefully at my ass to prognosticate my future.
“我看到今年12月，你将会有一个全新的工作机会，”比比安•阿兰戈一边说着，一边仔细观察我的臀部，为我预测未来。

A soft, meditative tune plays in the background. I feel my cheeks relax.
在舒缓、引人沉思的背景音乐中，我感到自己的臀部无比放松。

“The next couple of years are very prosperous, but you have to watch what you’re eating because you could have problems in your lower stomach,” the psychic says.
“接下来几年你会很成功，但得注意饮食，因为你的胃的下部有些问题，”这位通灵巫师说。

Arango sees several butts each week in her Lima office, a small room packed with statuettes of Catholic Saints, magic potions and a three-foot mural of Sheeva, the Hindu God.
在她位于利马的办公室，每周会给好几个人看屁相。这间办公室里挂满天主教圣徒的雕像、魔法药水以及三英寸的印度之神西瓦的壁画。

The Colombia-born psychic says she’s one of the world’s few experts in rumpology, a pseudo-scientific discipline that devines people’s futures and analyzes their personalities by studying the features of their buttocks, and feeling out the general shape of their ass.
这位出生于哥伦比亚的巫师表示，她是世上少有的臀相学专家。臀相学其实是一门伪科学，通过研究人们臀部的特点以及感知臀部形状，以预测未来并分析他们的性格特点。

“Some people think it’s a joke, but I don’t really care,” Arango says in a distinct Colombian accent. “I predicted that Shakira was going to have babies with a soccer player…just by looking at a picture of her butt.”
“有人认为这是闹着玩的，但我并不介意他们的看法，”阿兰戈说话带有浓厚的哥伦比亚口音。“我曾预测夏奇拉（Shakira）将和一名足球运动员生小孩，这仅仅通过看她屁股的照片就可以推测出来了。”

Rumpology has been most widely promoted in the states by Sylvester Stallone’s mother Jacqueline Stallone, a self-styled astrologist and psychic who claims that the ancient Egyptians and Greeks made imprints of their butts on papyrus, and used that to predict the future. There’s no archaeological evidence to support the claim that ancient civilizations read each other’s butts, but it’s fun to imagine.
臀相学的广泛推广要归功于西尔维斯特•史泰龙的母亲杰奎琳•史泰龙。这位自诩为占卜家兼巫师的女士声称，古埃及人和古希腊人将臀部的印痕记录在纸莎草上，并以此预测未来。虽然还没有考古学证据表明古代文明有相互看臀相的习惯，但想象一下还是挺有趣的。

In Peru, where cigars, coca leaves, and tarot cards, are commonly used to tell the future, Arango’s method—and personality— stand out. For the past couple years, the pink haired spiritual guru has hosted a daily segment on Peru’s largest TV channel, where she reads tarot cards, talks about the horoscope, and frequently does live readings of local celebrities’ bums.
在秘鲁，雪茄、可可叶、塔罗牌都是预测未来的常用工具，而阿兰戈的方法——乃至其自身性格——相当与众不同。过去几年，这位粉色头发的精神领袖在秘鲁最大的电视频道主持了一档日播节目，节目中的她看着塔罗牌，讨论占星术，并经常现场为当地名人看臀相。

“I have no doubt that Rumpology exists,” Arango says back in her office, as she shows me a colorful poster of her TV show.
“臀相学的存在是毫无疑问的，”阿兰戈说着回到办公室，并向我展示了一张其电视节目的彩色海报。

I asked her to give me more details of how it works, and she provided a crash course on the world’s main butt types.
我让她提供更多有关臀相学原理的细节信息时，她拿出了有关世界主要臀部种类的速成课程。

According to Arango, the main butt types include the inverted heart [think Kim Kardashian], the square looking flat butt –aka the ‘boy’ butt— the V-shaped butt, and the round butt.
根据阿兰戈的理论，主要的臀部类型包括倒心形（想想金•卡戴珊）、扁方型（即“男孩”式的臀部）、V型以及圆形臀部。

Arango says each type reveals clues to someone’s personality. For example, those with a round butt tend to be optimistic but emotionally insecure, while those followed around by square butts are determined individuals who care little about what others think of them.
阿兰戈说每种类型的臀部都显示着一个人的性格。举个例子，那些臀部圆润的人一般比较乐观但缺乏安全感；而那些臀部扁平的人相当果决，往往不在乎其他人的看法。

The psychic said that features on the right butt cheek— crevasses, stretch marks, moles or noticeable blood vessels—offer clues about the future. A short purple vessel for example, indicates an impending death in the family.
这位巫师认为，右侧的臀部特征——皮肤裂痕、妊辰纹、黑痣或显著的血管——为未来提供线索。举个例子，短的紫色血管暗示着家庭成员中有人会死去。

The left butt cheek talks about a person’s past, while the lines in the middle are supposed to provide clues about a person’s present.
左侧臀部代表着一个人的过去，而中间的线则预示着一个人的现在。

“This knowledge came to me naturally,” Arango said. “But with time you develop the ability to read these signs in more detail.”
“我自然而然地就习得了这类知识，”阿兰戈说。“但随着时间推移，你的这种能力得到发展，将读出更多细节信息。”

I decided to test Arango’s knowledge on butts by showing her some pictures of well-known American assess.
我决定测试一下阿兰戈的臀部算命术，于是出示了几张著名美国人的臀部照片。

First up was President Obama.
第一张是总统奥巴马的照片。

“The right part of his butt sticks out, which shows me that he is going through family problems,” Arango said. “There will be problems in his life, a big conflict with another country. The way he sticks his right foot out shows me that negative things could be happening,” Arango said. “He might fall sick and that could be big news…but by the shape of his butt, I can tell you he is a great human being.”
“他的右侧臀部突出，这表明他正面临家庭问题，”阿兰戈说。“他生活中会遇到一些问题以及和另一个国家之间的大的冲突。他这种伸出右脚的方式显示，可能会发生某些不好的事，”阿兰戈说。“他或许会生一场病，而这将是个大新闻……但根据他的臀型，我能告诉你的是，他是一位伟大的人。”

We moved on, naturally, to one of America’s most famous butts.
接着，我们自然而然地转换到下一个美国最著名的臀部。

“First of all, I have to tell you that this is a fake derriere,” Arango said, guessing that Kim Kardashian’s butt might have been enhanced with injections.
“首先，我得告诉你这个臀部是假的，”阿兰戈说，她猜测金•卡戴珊的臀部可能通过注射手段而变成了翘臀。

I implore her to continue.
我恳求她继续往下说。

“What you have here is a classic inverted heart…these people tend to have bad luck in their love lives, and they struggle with back problems.”
“你拿的这张照片是一款经典的倒心形臀部……这类人通常在恋爱中运气不太好，而且她们常常要忍受背疾。”

“She might be famous but her biggest enemy is herself,” Arango continued. “She’s got a euphoric persona, but she also has to leave her ego aside. These kind of people rise like palm trees but fall like coconuts.”
“她也许很有名，但她最大的敌人是自己，”阿兰戈继续说道。“她扮演着很欢快的角色，但她因此也失去了自我。这类人在上升期可以像棕榈树一样爬得很高，但也会像椰子一样跌得很惨。”

Finally I asked Arango to analyze one of this year’s top presidential candidates.
最后，我让阿兰戈分析一位今年最有希望的总统候选人。

“Oh my god, who did this woman marry!” Arango said, looking at Hillary Clinton’s butt. The psychic claims she didn’t know who the blond haired woman in the picture was, but analyzed her butt for us nevertheless.
“我的天，这个女人嫁的是谁！”阿兰戈看着希拉里•克林顿的臀部说道。这位巫师称，虽然她不认识照片中的金发女人，但依然可以为我们分析她的臀部。

“That crack on her [lower] left butt cheek shows me that she has had problems in her marriage,” Arango said. “I see a lot of solitude in her, and resentment with a gentleman from her past, which she still hasn’t overcome.”
“她左臀（下部）的皮肤罅隙显示，她曾有过婚姻问题，”阿兰戈说。“我在她身上看到过去她很孤独，而且对一位先生心怀怨恨，而这至今还影响着她。”

On the upside Arango said Hillary had “an important project,” coming up. “I see her signing papers,” Arango said.
阿兰戈表示也有好的方面，她看到希拉里即将开展“一项重要计划”。“我看到她将签署一些文件，”阿兰戈说。

Presidential papers perhaps?
难道是总统文件？

“It’s hard to tell,” Arango said. “But what I can say is that her past hasn’t been happy. She’s had to forgive her man, for a lot of things.”
“这很难讲，”阿兰戈说。“但我能告诉你的是，她过去一直活得很不开心。她必须得原谅自己的男人做的许多事情。”

With that, I turned off my ipad, and we bade farewell.
至此，我关掉了苹果平板电脑，然后彼此道别。

Upon parting, Arango told me to exit her building right foot first. I made sure to do that, and as I stepped into the streets of Lima, I glanced furtively at the various butt types passing me by, learning nothing about their futures.
要离开的时候，阿兰戈告诉我走出这栋建筑时先迈出右脚。我确保自己这么做了，当我迈入利马大街时，我偷偷地瞟了一眼那些经过我身边的各式各样的臀部，但对他们的未来我仍一无所知。

Vocabulary

crevasse: 裂缝
prognosticate: 预言，预测
mural: 壁画
rumpology: 屁相学
pseudo-scientific: 伪科学的
devine: 卜问
astrologist: 占星家
psychic: 灵媒；巫师
papyrus: 纸莎草；纸莎草纸
tarot cards: 塔罗牌（预卜命运的一种牌）
horoscope: 占星术；星象
crash course: 速成课
stretch mark: 妊娠纹
derriere: 臀部
euphoric: 情绪高涨的，兴高采烈的
persona: 人物角色；伪装的外表
furtively: 偷偷地；暗中地

英文来源：fusion.net
译者：张靓
审校&编辑：丹妮