免费理发的代价

好友坚持要“我”为她理发，而“我”却没有什么经验，最终结果可想而知。好友吃一堑长一智，再也不让“我”为她剪发了，“我”的家人却似乎没有吸取教训，而“我”也在为家人理发这条路上越走越远……

张亚坤-绘

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By Julie Gillum Lue

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杜筠 注

My best friend, an optimist, once insisted that I cut her hair. She may have misunderstood the extent of my haircutting experience. I had been trimming my own bangs for years, but otherwise my previous clients included only a horse and two Barbie dolls, all of whom had shown a refreshing lack of vanity.

"Make it short," my friend told me, perhaps driven to recklessness by a streak of hot weather. I made it short. It was too bad she needed to renew her driver's license and pose for an updated photo the following week. Even though I apologized, she never asked me for a haircut again. She had learned her lesson. My family has not.

In all the years I have known my husband, he has never visited a barber. When he first asked me to cut his hair, I offered to show him my friend's driver's license photo. But he was not deterred. Fortunately, my task was simple, comparable to mowing a small lawn, extra-short, and weed-whacking a little around the edges. I have since repeated this procedure more than a hundred times, often managing to retain both sideburns. For our two kids, it has never been that easy.

When our older son was about nine months old, I decided it was time for baby's first haircut. His dark hair grew long and straight over his ears, in contrast to the bald spot he had worn on the back of his head from lying on his crib mattress. Picture a young Ebenezer Scrooge, minus the mutton chops. I buckled him into his highchair and stuck a toy on the tray with a suction cup.

But when I held up my scissors, he arched his back and started shrieking, clearly convinced he was in a fight for his life. I put down my scissors. It was not time for baby's first haircut.

For the next year or so, I performed stealth haircuts, creeping into my son's room at night and clipping a few tufts as he slept. As the months passed, his bald spot filled in and his hair grew as dense as a hedge, with a snarl of cowlicks sprouting from his crown. He still resisted our efforts to comb it. If he didn't get a haircut soon, we'd have to shave his head.

But he was leery of strangers; a professional trim probably would have been impossible without anesthesia.

I tried to sell my son on the idea of his approaching haircut. We would give some of his hair to wild birds, I told him, so they could make soft, warm nests for their babies. And while I "harvested" his hair, he would be allowed to watch a feature-length movie involving model trains - a movie usually kept hidden, as it proved fascinating for toddlers, yet so excruciating for adults it would warrant consideration as an interrogation tool.

Portable DVD players and tablet computers had not yet become staples, so I parked a chair on a sheet in front of the television. I turned on the VCR, and my son slid into his seat, already falling under the influence of tooting trains and earnest dialogue. As I combed and clipped, he forgot to protest, except to complain that his neck felt too itchy.

Before the last whistle died away, we were finished. His hair looked a bit jagged in front but was short enough to withstand infrequent combing - a success. We left a pile of prickly hair clippings in the backyard for the birds.

As my son grew older and was joined by a little brother, I continued to serve as family barber. My skills improved, but results were mixed. One ill-timed wiggle could set off a disastrous cascade of events, as I struggled to adjust the rest of a style to a gouge in back or bangs gone wrong. And when my youngest watched The Three Stooges during one cut, his hair ended up looking suspiciously like Moe's - reason enough to dump the Stooges, even if the kids hadn't started calling me "Toots."

With my firstborn now in his teens, I wonder how long I can continue with DIY hairstyling. When I was his age, the boys in my class were busy blow-drying and feathering, and carrying long-handled combs in their back pockets. Surely he would rather go to a professional.

"No," he says. "Too boring."

The last time my son needed a haircut, I asked how he wanted it to look. He ran his hands through his hair, which still grows as dense as a hedge, as it did when he was two.

"I like it when there's not so much of it."

For me, that was a realistic goal. I picked up the scissors and started to snip, hoping for the best.

Vocabulary

1. optimist: 乐观主义者，乐天派。

2. extent: 程度，范围。

3. 我虽然自己修剪刘海好些年了，但是除此之外，我的顾客仅包括过一匹马和两个芭比娃娃，它们看起来都有种令人耳目一新的朴实。trim: 修剪；bangs: （复数）刘海；refreshing: 使人耳目一新的，清爽的；vanity: 虚荣。

4. recklessness: 鲁莽，轻率；a streak of: 一阵子。

5. pose for: 摆好姿势（让别人拍照或画像）。

6. barber: （为男子服务的）理发师。

7. deter: 阻止，吓住。

8. mow: 割草；lawn: 草坪；weed-whacking: 打去杂草。

9. retain: 保持；sideburn: 鬓角。

10. bald spot: 秃斑，露头皮；crib mattress: 婴儿床垫。

11. Ebenezer Scrooge: 埃比尼泽•斯克鲁奇，狄更斯经典短篇小说《圣诞颂歌》》（A Christmas Carol, 1843）中的吝啬鬼；minus: 减去；mutton chop: 络腮胡。

12. buckled: 扣紧；highchair:（小孩用的）高脚椅；tray: 托盘；suction cup: 吸盘。

13. arch: 拱起，成弓形；shriek: 尖叫。

14. stealth: 秘密行动；creep: 潜入；clip: 剪，修剪；tuft: 一簇，一丛。

15. 几个月后他后脑勺的秃斑消失了，长出了浓密的头发，头顶上长出的头发在额前缠结成一绺。dense: 密集的，稠密的；hedge: 树篱；snarl: （线、发等）缠结；cowlick: 额前翘着的一绺头发；sprout: （毛发等）长出；crown: （头的）顶部。

16. comb: 梳头发。

17. leery: 机敏的，机警的；anesthesia: 麻醉，麻木。

18. 我试图说服儿子同意我给他理发。sell sb. on the idea of sth.: 劝说某人接受某事。

19. nest: 巢。

20. 当我在他头上进行“收割”时，他可以看一整部有关火车模型的电影，这样的影碟通常会被大人藏起来，因为它们对于刚学步的小孩来说极具吸引力，对于大人来说却如同梦魇，完全就是刑具。feature-length: 达到正片应有长度的；toddler: 学步的小孩；excruciating: 折磨人的；warrant:保证，担保；interrogation: 讯问，审问。

21. portable: 便携式的；tablet computer: 平板电脑；staple: 日常必需品；park: 放置；sheet:床单。

22. tooting: 发出嘟嘟声的；earnest: 热情的，真挚的。

23. clip: 修剪；protest: 抗议；itchy: 发痒的。

24. jagged: 参差不齐的；withstand: 经受，承受。

25. prickly: 扎人的；hair clipping: 剪下的碎头发。

26. 孩子不合时的一个扭动就会导致一串灾难性后果，不是后脑勺理出一道沟就是刘海没剪齐，我就得设法收拾残局。wiggle: 扭动；a cascade of: 一连串；gouge: 沟。

27. 有一次我一边给小儿子理发他一边看《三个臭皮匠》，最后剪出来的发型疑似剧中的摩尔。即使孩子们没有开始叫我“娘们”，也足以让我弃剧。The Three Stooges: 《三个臭皮匠》，美国喜剧；suspiciously: 怀疑地，猜疑地；dump: 抛弃，摆脱；toots: 妇女，娘们。

28. firstborn: 头胎。

29. blow-dry: 用吹风机吹干；feather: 用羽毛装饰。

30. snip: 剪。

（来源：英语学习杂志 编辑：董静）